Reflecting on 2019 and Looking Forward to 2020

As many people do this time of year, I have spent the last few days reflecting. January 4th will be a year since I was initially told I had some type of cancer. I still remember the phone call and the weeks that followed. January 2019 was a crazy month - and while I am happy it is behind me I am going to take a minute to reflect on just how crazy it was...

January 4th - CT Scan with contrast - initial diagnosis
January 10th - Bloodwork
January 15th - Lymph node Biopsy
January 16th - Mom had an 18-hour stroke
January 22nd - PET scan
January 23rd - Oncologist Appointment and confirmed diagnosis
January 24th - More bloodwork
January 25th - Bone marrow Biopsy
January 28th - Port-a-Cath placement in Chest
January 30th - Day 1 Chemo (9-hour infusion - due to the adverse reaction to meds)
January 31st - Day 2 Chemo (3.5-hour infusion - leftover from Day 1)

The year, as you know, continued with 5 more rounds of chemo and all of the challenges that came with that - I had an incredible support team of family and friends and on July 8th - my scans came back clean! Yay! Yes, Yay!

But that is what was so hard for me - my scans were clean - BUT I was still struggling with side effects, after effects, future effects - of chemo and continued infusions - "the gift that keeps on giving." The inability to be "superwoman" and work long days and not be exhausted by it, or the black marks that have shown up under my toenails, or the process of growing my hair back (and it is a process) - life is just a little harder right now. I lack patience, I want things back the way they were before my diagnosis, I want my body back, my hair back, and my energy back.

My biggest challenge is that I want to put cancer away, put it behind me, but it doesn't work that way. The truth is, I am not the same - so even if I could find a box to put it in - I am still over here trying to figure out just who I am now - of course - in many ways, I am the same, but there are just enough ways - that I am a little different.

This week I have had more bloodwork, another CT scan with contrast, I am getting my 4th of 12 infusions right now and a Petscan Tomorrow. ..so you see while my scans are clean today - I am still in it and honestly, that just sucks. This is why it took me 6 months to write this follow up post - because I feel like I am supposed to be screaming "hooray" from the rooftops and running around so happy - and yes - there are days I am, but there are also days I am not.

I am writing this to help you understand the #livelifedetour I am still on - and while I am in a much better place than the first half of this year - it is still difficult. I find myself doing things that make me feel in control of my life like getting tattoos, piercing my ears, getting crazy fade hairstyles) -  those are decisions I am making, I am choosing. I am learning to say "thank you" when someone tells me they like my haircut (when I really want to say - I did not CUT my hair) and I am learning to have grace and patience with my body. Not so easy either.

Oh and yes “Sign ups are available” for those looking to sit with me for a 5-6 hour infusion. 😂 🤣 I am joking. Kind of. 😂 I can’t drive on these day so if your bored (first get a life) And then text me. 8 more to go!   Thanks to my awesome friends for doing the first 4.

That’s me checking in from this Livelifedetour!!
#cancerstillstucks #livelifedetour #grateful #2020