Thank You, Next.

Yes...Thank You, Next. Moving on...from this past week...

I cannot lie. The last week has been a rough one. Both emotionally and physically. I know I am not dying and I am strong, brave, courageous with a kick-ass attitude. "I got this" -  I am not "the cancer," and yes I will beat this. But unfortunately, some days just SUCK. 

This post is not meant to be a "wah, wah," "pity party" or a "please feel sorry for me" post but more of my own documentation and a bit of therapy as I go through this #livelifedetour. 

Last Tuesday, I completed Round 3 of chemotherapy and for those that follow me on social media,  know that the infusion itself went better than the first two. I left there on Tuesday (only 6.5 hours) with the positive attitude that this was going to be the best round yet. No side effects, no fatigue, just a little rest and we would do it again in a few weeks.  Halfway through, treatment was working, positive outlook, ALL GOOD. If it were just that easy...

Wednesday, I was off to a good start...I walked the dogs, did some light housekeeping and laundry and even did some work. I thought - "I got this." Thursday morning came and again, I walked the dogs and got ready for a visit from my cousin. By noon, my headache began, my energy dropped and I crawled on the couch.  I spent the next two days in a fog of headaches, nausea, and exhaustion. Ok, I thought, two days down and we will be over this. Saturday came, I felt a little better (the fatigue is just always there so you learn to deal with it), so I picked up my mom and headed to the grocery store, CVS, and filled the Jeep with gas. Dropped my mom off, and was exhausted and annoyed that running a few errands wiped me out. I think that is what is most frustrating about all of this. My body. My darn body is not cooperating with me. It is calling the shots and I hate listening to it. So when I refuse to listen, it just lays me down hard so I have no choice. WTF. I am in control, not my body! Sunday was another day home resting but actually got some grading done. 

Fast Forward to Monday, thinking, new day, new week, new ME! Monday, Bloody, Monday - go get my weekly bloodwork done and go to the office. I took the dogs on a slow walk and barely made it home. Around 8am, the intense chest pains and nausea started. I was doubled over trying to breathe through the pain, but it was stabbing and sharp from the front of my chest to my back. Then it traveled up around my head, my ears, and my jaw. WTF - was this really just bad heartburn? But I hadn't eaten much in the last 24 hours. I called my chemo nurse and he said - go to the ER, not Urgent Care, the ER. Ugh, who has time for that? I called my sister and started debating whether we really had to go - maybe it would subside, what an inconvenience, I did not want to bother her. She pretty much said we are going. I will be there in 5 minutes. So I dressed, and we went. I must say, when you have chest pains, they do not mess around. There was no waiting in the ER. Right to the EKG machine, blood draw, temperature, blood pressure and into a room. There I got to put on a pretty gown and a mask (due to my low immune system) and spent the next few hours trying not to vomit. After 4.5 hours, a battery of tests, chest x-rays, and some IV fluids, they determined what it wasn't (my heart was fine), and discharged me with 

"if it happens again, come back." Really exhausted now, I went home, and crawled back on the couch for another 48 hours...

Where did the week go? Is it really Thursday?

Here is what I know. There is no rhyme or reason to how you will feel after each cycle of chemotherapy. You cannot compare last round to this round. Each round and each day brings something new and different. Each cycle also brings more fatigue, more side effects, and yucky taste buds making eating near impossible. I also know that as bad as it gets, it will get better, I just have to ride it out. My problem is I hate the ride, I hate the weakness, I hate not being able to do things. But I also know that when I can sit upright, respond to texts, and send a Snap or two - I am starting to feel better and better days are coming. I know that no matter what, each day, the sun will shine, some days it just takes a little longer to see. and I know that there is a small village (really an army) of loved ones out there just waiting to help and take care of me and I so appreciate that.

Here is what I am learning. I am learning that I have no control right now (seriously annoying). I am learning that I have to stop feeling guilty about laying on the couch when my legs won't hold me up. I am learning that it is ok to lay on the couch and not do work. I am even learning how to binge watch Netflix shows (any suggestions?). I am learning that, right now, I have to take care of myself and stop worrying about everyone else. I am learning to listen to my darn body and rest when it says to rest. Ugh.

Thank you to everyone who has continued to check in on me daily or weekly. Thank you to all who have sent good thoughts on FB, IG, Snaps, cards (snail mail is alive and well). Thank you to all who have dropped off food, walked my dogs or threw balls to Charlie Bear. Thank you, because, it helps - A LOT, it gives me hope and encouragement, and keeps me from shutting off the world when I am feeling so crappy. 

So today is my best day this week. I am sitting up, I ate a power pancake, and I am typing this blog post. Tomorrow will be even better...

Thanks to my cousin for posting this on my FB wall...I need to remember this.