The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

This week was one of my hardest weeks yet. It got me thinking that I want to share ALL of my journey and not just the good parts. I want to share this with you, not for sympathy or compassion but for the understanding of my real journey and to share my true authentic self. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...so here goes.

The Good:
When someone asks me "good news or bad news?" I always like to lead with the good news. So let's start there. There is so much good in my life. So much love, kindness, and compassion. As I have said before, the outpouring of support from everyone, even those across the country, has been amazing. My sister, of course, my superpower, is by my side at every turn. My family (cousins and aunts) have been checking in daily, ready and waiting for anything I need. My friends have been there when my sister couldn't be (because she is also taking care of my mom), and sometimes do things for me because I won't ask them to do it myself. My colleagues have been incredibly supportive too. I have amazing neighbors, who have made it known that they are (physically) the closest to me and although they know I have a great support team, they are right across the street. My girlfriends (high school and college) in NY are on standby to fly out and take care of me (love you, girls) and then there are people that I don't know as well, who still offer to drive me places, bring me dinner, or walk my dogs. I could go on, but you get the point - I have an incredible team around me. 

More Good:
I always like to look for the silver linings...here are a few that I have noticed.

• Perspective - something like "cancer" really puts life into perspective. All the little things you stressed about, are little now and really don't matter anymore. That is so freeing.
• Connections - I have connected and reconnected with so many people in ways I may never have. I am so much more vulnerable and compassionate than ever before.
• Authenticity - I am trying to be my true authentic self (even down to my Bitmoji). Going through this makes you want to be yourself. No time for anything else. No reason for anything else.

The Bad:
Monday was 8 weeks since I first heard the "news."  The past 2 months have been filled with denial, disbelief, anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, love, laughter, hope, strength, courage and bravery. Yes, an emotional rollercoaster. Overall, I really AM strong, positive, and hopeful.  However, those other emotions are there too. People ask me all the time, "how are you so positive about this?" and my response is "how can I not be?" and I truly meant that. What good will it do me to curl up in a ball and cry? As I say, the "only way out is through..." so to get out, I must keep moving through. You cannot do that if you give up. That being said, it is not all rainbows and butterflies (or puppy dogs). I choose to not share my emotional rollercoaster on social media (but I am sharing it here). That said, there are days that curling up in a ball and crying is exactly what I do - for about 5 minutes...luckily Charlie, Samson, and Gracie, always gather around me and lay on me and start licking me, who can keep crying with "200 pounds of lab" lovin' on you - so I get up and carry on. Some days, I am afraid of the unknown, worried about being vulnerable, frustrated by my physical weakness, and worried about letting people down, but those days pass too. The bad is bad, but it passes and the sun rises and a new day begins. Thank god for new days. Better days. Sunny days.

The Ugly:
Ok..well although I have been known to overshare - I will not do that here (well, not really). I will say that you should know how "out of control" my body is and the side effects of strong chemotherapy are like a moving target changing daily and weekly...if you are really curious as to what that means, here is a great infographic - luckily, I do not have ALL of those side effects at the same time...none of them are fun, but they are my reality. If you know me at all, control is something I like. I like to control my world, my life, my food, my workouts, sometimes even my friends and family (haha - if you are laughing, you know me well.) So, having NO control is one of the most frustrating parts of this whole cancer thing. Having to rest (ugh) is such a struggle, and I fight it. The irony here is that if I would give in to it and crawl into bed or lay on the couch more, I would probably get through it much quicker. But for now, my body basically has to take all the power away from me to the point where I can barely stand for 5 minutes, and then I lay down. 

Today is a good day. The sun is shining. I am not on the couch.

#f#@kcancer, #myssisterismysuperpower, #bebrave #mylivelifedetour #thegoodthebadtheugly